Ricochet

Being widowed is a ricochet business. It is about creating oneself anew. Which is a process both appalling and invigorating and one yoyos between these two emotions, with various shades of grey in between.

But with the passing of time comes - not healing - but confidence. I know that I will never get over the hateful shock of F's dying, of his suffering, at his helplessness in the end and the grotesque state of being he was subjected to. It still whams back at me if I let it, but I am getting more adept at shushing my mind. And what I am seeking is peace. I need peace in my life and I am getting better at establishing it.

Perhaps if my husband had had a more conventional death I would not have found it so difficult. If he had died suddenly, going from an apparent state of health into something like a heart attack out of the blue, or if he had died slowly of something like cancer and we had had time to get used to the idea - these are two extremes but they both make sense to me.

But no, F went into hospital seeking a solution thousands of people had found and walked out with, whole and well; he had gone in for an ablation we had read was little more difficult for the patient than the extraction of a wisdom tooth; the Internet was full of glowing reports from people who had fibrillations and were delightfully cured.

We chose the hospital with care, we researched their records, they were the ones with the most practice and success. There were no failures in their records.

F entered that hospital ward very ill but we were assured that he was no worse off than many others, that they could handle his problems. No-one was to know that from that point his journey would be downwards into one complication after another.

Anyway: that word, "anyway." Resignation, Let's get on with it. One cannot change the past. All the old cliches, all the old axioms designed to help one move forward - I am good at them now. Lots of practice.

But peace, that's what I think (now) I am beginning to find. Peace and good cheer - Christmas card wishes, the things every human needs, not only in December.